Honey, I haven't ruined the kids!

When you are in the Foreign Service, you worry about many things. You worry about having enough, but not too much insurance, enough, but not too much stuff (from consumables to furniture), having enough time to explore your posts and enough time to visit on home leave, R&R and postings back in the States. You fret about kids adjusting, re-adjusting, moving, not moving, and fervently hope that one day they will throw you a giant party as a thank you for giving them so many amazing opportunities (translation: forcing them to traipse around the world).  One thing that is not always worried is sickness.

Now, I don't mean the common cold or even an allergy.  I'm not talking about a known entity that's managed and dealt with and doesn't threaten one with a different class of medical clearance. I'm not even talking about the kind of illness that causes oodles of discussions over which vaccinations and/or preventative medications to take.  The kind I am referring to would be the one that comes out of nowhere, takes over your life (temporarily or otherwise) and makes you a cranky, self-absorbed, self-doubting wonder.

The past 15 months...well, if you know this blog, you've read about them and you are well aware of the ups and downs.  Like any parent, I have been freaked about the kids, worried that something would happen to them and/or I was somehow royally messing with their lives (yes, by unintentionally being 'sick').  I vowed to do my best to ensure that didn't happen, yet still felt that I was parenting by the seat of my pants for the past year or so.

I forgot things, had my cranky moments, procrastinated on things and in general, felt like the laziest mother in existence.  We didn't do half of the activities that I only half-planned last summer, I would find myself at the grocery at 5 p.m. instead of making dinner at that time and I basically let bedtimes go (except for the Little Guy).  I know now that much of this had to do with me trying to get through the difficulties of the months before the summer.  The months of so many appointments, so many decisions and so much disappointment in myself for the changes I wrought upon our lifestyle, accidental or not.

Then things began to look up.  The new school year started and while I was not always as physically active as I should have been, I was up and moving and involved in things.  I had fewer doctors and those that I had were kinder and caring than the previous set.  I also had a goal of finally getting rid of the implant in my right breast (say what you will, it's still a breast to me) and having the new 'me' finally come to fruition.

Throughout all of this, the kids seem to hang on. They each had ups and downs, but not one teacher ever called us, other parents didn't know about my recent past unless I mentioned it and the kids never talked about 'it.'  The surgery was a whole different ballgame, though.  Once again, we would need care for them for an entire weekend.  Then there is the follow-up care and me being out of commission for 4-6 weeks.  I still can't lift a dinner plate, much less a 40 lb 3 year old.

I discussed the surgery for weeks in as much detail as I felt each child could handle.  When my new La-Z-Boy (yes, we splurged) arrived, we reminded Nick how it was a chair that I wouldn't be able to share with him for a while.  He could stand nearby and give gentle hugs, but that would be it. We reminded all three that  I'd need quiet at night and help with everything from standing up to lifting...anything.  I worried that it was too much for them and nearly canceled everything so that they would not have one more stressor in their young lives.

Then the day arrived.  We had everything planned:  the kids would spend the weekend with Auntie Shannon, much fun would be had and she would basically be in charge from the wee hours of Friday morning until Monday a.m. school drop-offs.  I knew they would have a good time, but was pleased beyond belief when we have a Skype session Sunday evening and Nicholas was his happy, excited self. Kelsey had nothing but fun weekend events to discuss and the call ended when my voice became too froggy (ever tried clearing your throat after abdominal surgery?  Darn intubation) and Nick had to run off to take his bath.

The big test, though, would be my arrival at home.  It was nothing short of....normal.  We had a surprise snowstorm that day, so Kelsey (who had been playing at a friend's house), ran in the house, said, "Hi, Mom, I love you!" and ran back out to play.  Cait stopped to say hi and then alternated between doing homework and visiting with me.  When Peter brought Nick home from school/daycare, he immediately came up to see me and very cautiously sidled up to the chair and gave me the sweetest, most gentle kiss.

And thus it has continued.  The kids have been helpful by not only handling their chores, but assuring I have help whenever I need it.  They get clothes from the laundry, bring me breakfast/lunch/dinner, clear my plates, bring me books, pillows, blankets and the like.  They spend time with me in the living room whether watching a movie, playing with toys or just reading side by side.  They argue less (I said less) and are more independent with each of his or her own needs.  If I make a move to do anything I shouldn't (lifting said dish...), they practically fight over who will take the dish for me.

Here I was worrying, stressing and losing sleep over this surgery.  Not only did I fear I would not be happy with the outcome, but I feared I would be miserable over how it affected my family.   I could not have been more wrong in my assumption that this would make our lives harder.  In fact, in some respects, it has made it easier.  Each person (minus said invalid) is pulling at least twice his or her own weight and it has clarified for me that this was truly the right time for this surgery to take place.

I really shouldn't be surprised at the course of events, but given that I get the "our lives are ruined by moving so much" every so often (generally just a bad day), I wasn't getting my hopes up.  In the end, I found that not only did I not have any reason to worry, but had many reasons to celebrate.  I've been given many gifts over the past year or so, but I have to say that my kids' resilience is by far the one that I will cherish forever.

Comments

[Connie]

You worry because you know how 'all this' is important when it comes to your kids. You're an awesome mom(!) and you're family is proving it to you!! I had one of those little moments of realization last night. There was a huge crash from the other room... I called out to see if my daughter was ok. She was fine, but it took her a second to assess the situation and report that nothing was broken... yet I felt no need to go in the other room and double check what she reported. It was a great moment when I realized 'She's got it, if she needs me, she'll let me know. No worry.' That's a HARD thing for a mom to do, sick or not! (I still do not know what crashed!) Hope you are feeling better by the day, so you can get back to being a part of it all, instead of a spectator in your fancy new seat! :)

[christy]

I am so happy to read this Jen. You are a rock star mom, raising rock star kids. xoxo

[Melissa]

Your kids are awesome!! Glad to hear they are taking such great care of you!