1 posts categorized "Weblogs"

March 19, 2010

Choice

is a 4 letter word in our household at this moment.  Normally in Peter's line of work, it sometimes feels like there isn't much choice about where we go next. We can bid on our top spots, or opt for a position in a country whose language (other than English, of course) we have been fluent in since we could walk, but end up continents away.  For us it has all worked out in the end, and while we may not have made the final decision we realize that we had experiences we couldn't have otherwise imagined.  They help shape us, and our future and we begin to realize that while we enjoy having a say, sometimes it's easier when someone else makes the crucial decision.

There is one time when that does not work out, and that time is now.  I should clarify: it has worked out for Peter.  I, however, am at a complete and utter crossroads.  I have too much choice, the clock is ticking, and the reality is that in 74 days or about 10.5 weeks, if everything continues as is, we will be without a home.  By we, I mean the girls, Nicholas and I.  Peter has had his housing assignment for over two weeks now and need only worry about the color of the sheets he wishes to take with him, or whether to go with merely a good laptop or a great one. I, on the other hand, have begun to doubt whether I should leave, and can't make a decision about where to go (definitively).  I know I am driving people nuts and making their heads spin...I am a total champion of free will and choice, so why can't I handle it anymore?

My tween is the primary reason.  The more we have discussed the impending move, the more ambivalent she has become.  I know she is only 11, and I know there are other issues at play.  However, she was the champion of moving back east, and was more excited about looking at houses than I was.  I noticed a change over the past few weeks though, and finally asked her point-blank if she wanted to move.  The result?  A near break-down and dissolving into tears, as she no longer knew what to do. Invitations have been more frequent, friendships have strengthened, and the anticipation of a year not only without Peter, but in a somewhat new environment has her freaked.  Kelsey has not been quite as emotional, but has shared several worries that just tear me apart. 

The irony is that normally when we receive a final assignment, we are not given the option of living in one of 6 different places (or more, for that matter, since we can go anywhere) around the country in which we can live.  Once an assignment is handed down,  we have choice within the general area, but nothing like our current options.  If we had any clue where we were headed next, it would be a tiny bit easier to decide.  If we knew language was a necessity, we would have a much more limited area to work with.  Or we could opt to stay here, and simply have one big move.  However, not knowing has made it that much more difficult.

I wish I knew the right answer.  I wish I could foresee next year, and tell Kelsey that she will have oodles of friends, as she does here, and will not have to worry that anyone will think she is "uggely" (her latest and saddest fear of no known origin).  I wish I could more convincingly tell Cait that the Middle School will be so much  fun, that riding a bus again will be awesomely fun experience, and that I know for a fact the perfect choir is waiting for her.  I desperately want to move to be closer to old friends and family, however, it can't be denied that the settled-in feeling exists or the friendships that have been made and will be sorely missed. 

I know what I should be able to do, but feel like I am failing miserably.  Ideas, anyone?